708 580-7601
The death grip on your leg at school drop-off. The tears every single bedtime. The follow-you-to-the-bathroom routine. The sleepover that ends with a 10pm phone call and a car ride home.
If this is your life right now, you’re probably tired and a little worried. And you might be wondering whether this is a normal phase or something more.
Here’s the reassuring part first. Separation anxiety is a normal part of growing up. Most kids go through it as toddlers and outgrow it by the early school years. But for some kids it hangs on longer, comes back after a big change, or gets intense enough to run the family’s schedule. That’s when it’s worth a closer look.
Normal separation worry vs. separation anxiety disorder
A bit of clinginess on the first day of school, or after a family vacation, is normal. So is a rough week after a move or a new baby.
It starts to look like separation anxiety disorder when the fear is much bigger than you’d expect for your child’s age, lasts for a month or more, and gets in the way of everyday life. Think school, sleep, friendships and activities. The question to ask yourself: is my child’s worry about being apart from me stopping them from doing things kids their age normally do?
Signs of separation anxiety in kids
Every child is different, but these are common:
- intense crying, pleading or tantrums before or during a separation
- constant worry that something bad will happen to a parent, like an accident or not coming back
- worry that something bad will happen to them, like getting lost or taken
- refusing to go to school, sleepovers, camps or birthday parties
- not being able to fall asleep without a parent nearby
- nightmares about being separated
- stomachaches, headaches or feeling sick before you leave
- calling or texting over and over to check that you’re okay
- shadowing you around the house
That last group often sneaks up on families. A child who can’t be in a different room from you isn’t being needy on purpose. Their brain is sounding a false alarm that says being apart is dangerous.
What causes separation anxiety in children?
Some kids are wired to be more cautious and sensitive from the start. They notice more and they feel more, especially around new situations.
Changes and stress often set it off or bring it back. A move, a new school, a divorce, a new sibling, a parent starting a new job or traveling more, a death in the family, a hospital stay. Even a scary moment, like getting lost in a store, can plant the seed.
It also shows up a lot around school transitions. Starting kindergarten, moving up to a new building, or coming back after summer break are classic flashpoints. In fact, separation anxiety is one of the most common reasons kids start refusing to go to school.
How to help a child with separation anxiety
The goal isn’t to never leave your child. It’s to help them learn, through experience, that they can handle being apart and that you always come back.
Keep goodbyes short, warm and predictable
Long, drawn-out goodbyes tend to crank up the anxiety. Create a quick goodbye ritual, like a hug, a special phrase and a wave at the window, and do the same thing every time. Then go.
Don’t sneak out
It’s tempting to slip away while your child is distracted. It usually backfires. When a parent disappears without warning, kids learn that you might vanish at any moment, and they watch you even more closely next time.
Tell them when you’ll be back in their language
“I’ll be back at 3:15” doesn’t mean much to a six-year-old. “I’ll pick you up right after recess” or “I’ll be home before bath time” does. And then keep that promise as reliably as you can.
Practice short separations and build up
Start small. Ten minutes with grandma while you run to the store. Then an hour. Then a short playdate at a friend’s house. Each successful separation builds your child’s confidence that they can cope. Moving in small, planned steps works far better than throwing them in the deep end.
Validate the feeling, then show confidence
“I know it feels scary when I leave. And I know you can do this.” Both halves matter. Brushing off the fear makes kids feel unheard. Agreeing that it’s scary without showing confidence can make them believe it really is dangerous.
Watch for accommodation
It comes from love, but constantly rearranging life around the anxiety tends to make it stronger. That looks like skipping every party, sleeping in your bed every night, or staying home from work so they don’t have to go to school. You don’t have to stop everything at once. Pick one small area to work on. Our post on telling normal worry from anxiety goes deeper on this.
Give a little comfort to carry
For younger kids, something small from home can help, like a family photo in their backpack or a note in their lunchbox. It’s a reminder that you’re still connected when you’re apart.
Mind your own face
Kids read us constantly. If you look worried at drop-off, they’ll assume there’s something to worry about. A calm, confident goodbye (even if you cry in the car afterward) sends the message that they’re safe.
When to get help
Reach out to a therapist if your child’s separation anxiety has lasted more than about a month, if it’s keeping them from school, sleep or activities, if it’s getting worse instead of better, or if you’re seeing lots of physical complaints like stomachaches before every separation. You don’t have to wait until it becomes a crisis. Early help is usually quicker help.
How therapy helps
Separation anxiety responds really well to treatment. A therapist helps your child understand what worry is and how it tricks their body, teaches them simple ways to calm down, and then works with them on small brave steps, often with rewards along the way. With younger kids, a lot of this happens through play.
Parents are a big part of it. You’ll get coaching on goodbyes, bedtime routines and how to step back from accommodation without being harsh. It’s a team effort, and it tends to work faster that way.
Help for separation anxiety in Tinley Park
At Evolve Therapy, we work with kids from age 5 through their teens, and their parents, on anxiety, including separation anxiety. We offer 1:1 therapy and family therapy from our office at 7905 W 159th St in Tinley Park, and we see families from Orland Park, Oak Forest, Mokena, Frankfort and the surrounding south suburbs.
If goodbyes have become the hardest part of your day, book an appointment or call us at 708-580-7601.
Frequently asked questions
At what age should separation anxiety stop?
Most kids outgrow the typical kind by the early school years. If it’s still intense past that point, or comes back strongly after a change, it’s worth checking in with a professional.
Can older kids and teens have separation anxiety?
Yes. It’s more common in younger kids, but older kids and teens can develop it too, often after a loss, a family change or a frightening event. In teens it can look like refusing to go on trips, constant texting to check on a parent, or avoiding school.
Is it okay to sneak out so my child doesn’t cry?
It’s understandable, but it usually makes things worse over time. A short, predictable goodbye teaches your child that separations are safe and that you come back.
Can separation anxiety cause school refusal?
It’s one of the most common causes. If mornings have turned into a battle, read our guide to understanding why your child won’t go to school and consider reaching out sooner rather than later.